So the latest trend in emails, today, have been about the lack of support from family members and/or friends or how people can change when you decide to have WLS. We know that when you decided to have weight loss surgery, it wasn’t a snap decision. It was after years of struggling with your weight and typically health issues to go along with it. You’ve done the yo-yo lose, gain, lose, gain some more. You’ve tried everything imaginable and every crazy idea that you thought would work to FINALLY get the weight off. Family and friends have watched you struggle and struggle. They’ve seen how depressed you’ve gotten and how withdrawn it can make you. You’ve even been given a name, a horrible name . . MORBIDLY OBESE! So why is it once you decide to do something that can finally work for you long term do they balk or not help like they should? Why aren’t they being supportive or helping you to succeed? I’m not saying all aren’t but some of you have voiced concerns about the ones around you that have made you so sad or made your journey more difficult than it has to be because they aren’t supporting you. We see how that is hurting you not only physically with the struggle but emotionally too. Not just that we still need that accountability factor around us too to help keep us on track as we make the transition to develop our healthy new way of living and SAVE OUR LIVES.

One woman talked to me about how her kids “wouldn’t” eat healthy and demanded “junk” in the house. Another had her best friend literally turn her back on her after 20 years because she chose WLS to finally lose her weight and she just couldn’t understand why she would do such a thing and it infuriated her. What?! Are these the same friends and family that have watched your struggles?

First, when it comes to family at home and food in the house . . kids shouldn’t have the decision making power to choose the meals you’re preparing and what foods are being brought in. Sure you should value their opinions but you are the parent and you do know more about the consequences of poor choices than they do. I know they may “think” they know it all at whatever age they are, but they don’t. Dan & I have 6 kids and 6 grandkids and we’ve seen and heard every ploy, every excuse, every beg there is for junk or the kids “logic” for why pizza is healthy. It’s sort of like the old Bill Cosby routine where he feeds the kids chocolate cake for breakfast because it has milk and eggs, etc. There is no justifying the poor choices any longer. I’m not trying to be ugly here but the kids are not the bread winners and if we hadn’t had those things so easily accessible to us and we had developed tastes for healthier foods sooner ourselves, well maybe we wouldn’t have ended up morbidly obese in the first place. Right? They’re the kids and we as the adults have the right and the obligation to make the choices that could prevent them from following in our unhealthy footsteps, right? Would we really want to know we were responsible for setting our kids up to be MORBIDLY OBESE and to need surgery too? What a horrible thought! Childhood obesity is on the rise, drastically and dangerously. So they may not be obese now, but the patterns are being put into place and we’re the ones planting those seeds. Not a legacy we want to leave for our kids, is it?

Now on the flipside of that one, the family members should love and care enough to support you and what you’re going through and to WANT to help you on this journey and to succeed. Your kids and your spouse or partner or supoprt system should be just that, supportive. They should see what they’re doing by ignoring your needs and also not looking at how this could improve their lives too. I’ll just bet if you were an alcoholic or a junkie, they wouldn’t be bringing alcohol or drugs in the house now would they? I know you may think that seems extreme but it’s not. This is a food addiction for most of us and just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, we can slip and go back to those old ways at any time. The only difference is, alcoholics and drug addicts don’t need their poison everyday just to live. We have to have food and have no way of avoiding it. It’s a part of our lives we have to learn to live with and control. It’s not a game or a joke. It’s very serious. Our drug, our addiction is foods. It’s that serious! One bite can turn into two, into a bowl or a bag or whatever of the wrong foods and before you know it we’re right back where we started before surgery. I don’t think anyone that loves us wants that. No matter how well meaning they are, if they don’t understand the gravity of the situation, they can be putting you and your health and success at risk every single day. You can indeed get to a point where you are very strong and can get past the temptations, but you shouldn’t have to deal with being taunted with them from your own support system. It wouldn’t hurt them to learn to eat a little healthier too or to be a little more conscientious around you. Would you be willing to do that for them if the situation was reversed? Of course you would! Always look at it from both sides. Stop being the one to make all of the sacrifices. Think of how you would be for your family and friends too. You deserve that same level of support, love and respect. RESPECT!

Now as for the friend that turned her back. I’ve seen ones where the friend was morbidly obese too and couldn’t face the prospect of being “fat” alone and turned her back to go and hide. She was ashamed and afraid and mad at herself and couldn’t voice that. I’ve seen the skinny friends that all of a sudden feel threatened because no longer will they be the center of attention. I mean, you’re already taking attention away from them because people are getting excited for you. That’s THEIR own insecurity and they are just going to have to deal with it. This is about your health and your life. Not something as petty as who is prettier or more handsome or who wears a smaller size or who turns heads the most. It’s about being alive and able to enjoy life.

We all tend to do so much for others and shove our own needs aside. This is one need that should be in the forefront. Your health and your life shouldn’t be put aside. You have the right to want to be healthy and to feel good about yourself. You have the right to be able to run or dance or cross your legs or bend over without being winded or go for walks. You deserve the right to not have a cabinet filled with medicines and a bed table filled with machines to help you sleep or breathe. Do you remember why you wanted to have weight loss surgery? What was it? Think back? Or if you’re about to have surgery, what is the reason? Are you or were you really sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time? Of not being able to find clothes that fit? Or being able to get in and out of your car or favorite chair easily? Not being able to play with your kids or grandkids? Not being able to comfortably go for a walk or work in your garden? Just doing simple things around the house or office or workshop became such a chore that you couldn’t do them on your own even more. Even tying your shoes felt like a two person task! I mean, how many of us know what it feels like to get red faced and winded doing nothing more than trying to bend over and tie a pair of shoes?! You don’t EVER want to go back to that again now do you?

So the next time someone tries to derail your journey, remember where you’ve been. Remember how hard you’ve fought. Remember why you did this or you’re doing this. The people that truly love and know how much this means to you will listen and will hear you and WILL support you and you WILL succeed.

Next, we’re going to talk about our own complacency that follows and how it affects our choices. It’s a snowball effect, whether you realize it or not. Open your eyes. Look around. Remember, remember, remember .. . . where you were before surgery. It’s too easy to start forgetting the struggles and to let bad habits start creeping back in. Don’t do it! Walk away from the bad snacks . .the chips . .the cookies . .the crackers . . the candy. . the sodas. Walk away! We’ll talk more about that tomorrow. Don’t YOU be part of your own derailing too because of others setting patterns around you. You’re stronger than that.

So, again, the next time someone tries to derail your journey, remember where you’ve been. Remember how hard you’ve fought. Remember why you did this or you’re doing this. The people that truly love and know how much this means to you will listen and will hear you and WILL support you and you WILL succeed. You have your support family to fall back on too. They’re always here, 24/7, ready to listen, to share, to support and even to give a swift (but gentle) kick when needed too. Your journey can and should be a long term success story too.

-Melissa & Dan

We see such a need for expanding how groups can and do reach out to one another. It’s so important that we start from our local levels and invite them in and connect all around the world. But on our local levels we can offer an additional level of support. We can set up sections in our message board forum (www.connectionwls.com/forum) for them to connect people for local functions or as exercise partners or for local meetings or gatherings, workshops, etc. Does your surgeon or your bariatric center have a local support group? If so, you know that we firmly believe you can’t have too much support. We set up a specific section of the forum so your local group can post things about their local meeting times, announcements or use it for whatever they choose. If you would pass this space and this info onto your local group, we’d love to have them join us here.

We can even set up their own Administrator(s) for their link on the support thread, if they want one. They have full control over it’s content and with their own set Administrators they can put individuals in place to monitor the information that is allowed on their section of the message board forum. Of course they would also have full viewing and posting and search potential for the rest of the message board forum as well so they can take advantage of the wealth of information and even contribute to it’s growth if they wish. It can be one more addtional tool for their patients and for the support community. If your surgeon’s office would like to know more about us and our support program, they can email us their office address and we can have a copy of my book The Weight-Loss Surgery Connection forwarded to them at no charge as well. We’re also very open to doing reciprocal links to your surgeon’s office, if they would like to send us info for consideration (melissa@connectionwls.com).

You can never have too much support and we can all learn from one another and help one another. We welcome all of the groups here and want each to know they can contact me directly for help in any way. It’s all about help, caring, learning, supporting and long term success. Staying connected is what makes that happen. Support is as important as having a great surgeon if we want long term success. Just think, you might start something wonderful to help other patients in your own bariatric program. That’s what it’s all about. Patients helping patients. Keep the support growing and going for long term success.

-Melissa & Dan

Hi Everyone:

Have you ever looked at what roll food plays in your life now vs before surgery? I’ve said this so many times that food isn’t our comfort or our friend. It won’t give us a hug when we need it. It won’t make us laugh or take our stress away. Sure it may taste great for a few seconds or minutes. Actually it’s only the first bite we really taste anyway. After that what we end up with is just the calories and the guilt and then we feel worse for eating it. Have you ever even caught yourself with a bite of food in your mouth and you already have the next fork full balanced and poised to shovel in and you haven’t finished, much less tasted what you’re chewing now? Or have you ever sat there with something you’re eating, like popcorn, and realized that all of a sudden the whole bowl was gone and you didn’t even remember eating any of it? If it’s after surgery we may have thought we were going to enjoy something, thought we missed it, thought we just had to have that bite of something and what we got was the added joy (not!) of dumping. Food is our fuel, plain and simple. Sure we can still enjoy it. Sure we can still have delicious gourmet meals. Sure we can still fix desserts that taste good but we have to rethink these things from our “before” way of looking at food. We have to devise new recipes for find new recipes and we have to look at nutritional values and we have to read labels. We know our old way of eating and approaching food didn’t work for us, right? We know we don’t want to go back to that way of eating, right? If we do, we can expect the same results and none of us want that!

We can still eat out and we can still socialize around food without it being the #1 focus too. We just eat different things and different amounts now. What’s funny is, now that we’ve learned to eat this way, our bodies have adjusted and now want the good things like grilled fish instead of fried. If we had been eating this way all along, this would’ve been “normal” for us and odds are we would’ve never been obese. Wouldn’t it be great if that’s what we were teaching our kids now instead of the poor eating habits and food choices they’re making today? Childhood obesity wouldn’t be an epidemic and there wouldn’t be a multi-billion dollar diet industry or a need for weight loss surgery or something as horrible sounding as morbid obesity wouldn’t even exist. All of that could be changed from something as simple as food choices . . choices that WE control. Taste buds that we train. We’re still in the driver’s seat and have the control.

For those that have gained some weight back, did eating those things you thought you “loved” so much bring you happiness? Or did they just pack on some extra pounds that you didn’t want or need? Odds are it not only brought on extra pounds but also set you back onto poor eating patterns that you didn’t want to revisit. It also messes with your head and you start doubting yourself and beating yourself up and looking at yourself as a failure. You aren’t a failure. You’re human. I want you to read that and hear that and understand that. I’ve said it in other emails and posts but I want you to REALLY hear it. You’re only human. Everyone is going to slip up and be tempted by something at some point. It’s just inevitable. It’s how you deal with it that matters. You’ve all opted to face it and do something about it. You didn’t hide or just keep repeating the same old patterns. You know where that’ll get you . . . right back where you started before surgery! Do you know how many of you out there email me that are in the same situation? You’re not alone in this. What I don’t see though is any of you sharing back to help each other. You can do that anonymously and still share your story or things that are causing you problems or that are working for you or triggers or whatever you need to share. The point though is that if support is going to work, you do need that interaction. I can talk to you all day long, but if I don’t know the individual issues or celebrations, how do we keep making it personal and pertinent for you? How do I know I’m making a difference for you? That’s what this is all about . . you and your journey and getting back on track. Your tool is still in place and so is your drive. You haven’t failed yourself or anyone else. We’re very proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone to reach out and even say you had an issue and to own up to whatever the scale said was your misstep. It’s not the end of the world, but it is a wakeup call. I know many of you are on the road right back to your goal weight. That’s terrific! Share that. For those that are struggling, share that too. Let’s find out what is causing the struggles and find a path of least resistance. This shouldn’t be difficult or painful or stressful and you shouldn’t feel alone either.

So what role do you want food to play in your life? You control it. That scale can just as easily be your friend too. You’re the one with all the control. So which will it be? Nice grilled fish over a cheeseburger? Fresh fruit over ice cream? As plain as those may sound, there are incredible (and easy) recipes that will make them into something so much more delicious than their bad choice counterparts. It just takes the effort on your part to relearn a new way of looking at food and cooking. It’s not difficult. It’s just different, but soon, different becomes habit and the norm. Put in the effort now and your new “norm” will carry you through for the long term for success.

-Melissa & Dan